Smutfic

Not sure the contest is still on, and can't even find Noko's entry... [ETA: It has been reposted, and still rocks. XD] but what the hey. Intentionally bad smut coming right up.

How Kagome Got Her Groove On




Narrator: Kagome was in a predickament.

Kagome: You didn’t—

Narrator: …Moving on.
She was stuck in a fairy-tale AU. As Maid Marion.

Kagome: Taskute, minna, wakarimasen! Eigo wa hanasemasen!

Narrator: And as you will notice, I don’t really speak Japanese either. Not that this will stop me from trying.

Kagome: *pout*

Narrator: Sew at sum point, u no she will b resued.

Kagome: Looks like I’m not the only one here who doesn’t speak English.

Narrator: buy her Savier, Riding Hood.

Kagome: Um, don’t you mean Robin Hood? Not that I’ve actually read that, or know what’s going on….

Narrator: I sed Riding Hood sew ewe gets RIDING HOOD!!1 Hor.

Kagome: *blinks*

Sesshoumaru: *blinks*

Kagome: Uh-oh.

Sesshoumaru: My hood is chafing me.

Kagome: You, um… look good in red. And a dress. Please don’t kill me.

Sesshoumaru: This Sesshoumaru demands full use of your clothing.

Kagome: I… don’t think my getting undressed at this juncture would be a wise—

Narrator: *plot skips to Sesshoumaru sensually peeling away Kagome’s schoolgirl uniform. Because nothing says “have sex with me” like attending secondary school.*

Sesshoumaru: *deadpan* Oh. The emotional turmoil. I only wanted to wear your slightly more comfortable clothes, but suddenly want to be inside this wonder that I have found beneath.

Kagome: Can’t you just gaze into my orbs?

Sesshoumaru: I could. It makes about as much difference to me. But I have a reputation to uphold. *pulls off clothing*

Kagome: Oh Sesshoumaru! Your schizoid-level lack of compassion for my feelings has convinced me! I will melt your icy heart with my fiery hot core! Insert your radioactive rod into my coolant tank and be soothed! There’s just one problem.

Sesshoumaru: You’re still wearing underwear?

Kagome: Um, besides that. I don’t actually know how.

Sesshoumaru: Lie very still and don’t move.

Narrator: Yah, that may work fine when you’re with Rin, but half my readers have already undone their flies, and if I don’t satisfy them, they won’t type out poorly-spelled reviews with their sticky little fingers. So you’re going to have to do better than that.

Kagome: What do you want? I’ve never even kissed a boy before. I don’t know how to do… that kind of stuff!

Narrator: I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this. *pulls out the crossover zappy device*

Sorting Hat: SLYTHERIN!

Sesshoumaru: This hat is chafing me.

Narrator: Next! Next! *zaps repeatedly*

Quinn: More sliders… I told you that I wasn’t the only one to figure out the Einstein-Rosen bridge!

Arturo: Yes yes, enough about that. You figured it out, and I didn’t. You’re smarter than me, I get it. You don’t have to rub it—

Narrator: Booring. *zap*

Trinity: —in. Oh, rub it, rub it! Yeah, baby! Show me why remote controls were invented!

Kagome: Next dimension! Next dimension! *covers eyes*

Narrator: No, this is the one I was looking for. Meet Trinity and Switch. They’ll teach you all you need to know about great sex.

Switch: Don’t look at us that way. We have no good food. No T.V. There’s nothing else to do.

Trinity: We’ll plug you into our computer, and download the sexual technique disks into your brain.

Switch: Oh, but they don’t have the sockets, do they?

Trinity: That’s all right. I have a special version that I keep around for Mary Sues. In fact, I was just showing it to you before…

Switch: Oh, that. Um, hold on, we’ll wash it off for you. It’s just that it was the perfect shape…

Sesshoumaru: I would think that would chafe.

*ten minutes later*

Sesshoumaru: I know kung fu!

Trinity: Whoops, wrong disk. Here, I think this is the right one.

Sesshoumaru: No, I already knew kung fu. As in, that was a warning. And I don’t need any help with sexual technique, either. It’s the girl that needs help.

Trinity: What a shame we couldn’t teach her in person.

Switch: *hands her the disk* Truly… such a shame.

*ten minutes later*

Trinity: Okay, are you ready, Kagome? This will make you a master in all forms of the art of sexuality.

Kagome: I think so… do it. I get the feeling there’s going to be a lemon anyway, so I might as well be prepared.

*ten minutes later*

Kagome: Um… so, is it working yet? I don’t feel anything.

Trinity: Oh! The disk! *zippering is heard* I’m on it.

Kagome: This is… unreal. It’s like everything around me is charged with a sexual presence. I know what I could use that for… and that… *lays eyes on Sesshoumaru* I think I’m ready.

Narrator: With that, Kagome set upon Sesshoumaru’s dick like it had never been set upon before. Her tongue flicked about his frenulum, her hands kneaded at his testes, and Sesshoumaru came three times in two minutes. Trinity and Switch watched disinterestedly.

Trinity: This is what happens when they get all that technique. They make the guy come too fast, and then they never get a chance to ride him.

Kagome: *rides Sesshoumaru*

Switch: He’s still… hard?

*two hours later*

Kagome: *pant wheeze* Okay. I’m done.

Sesshoumaru: This is why I don’t date mortals. Ah well, your uniform and I shall continue. *masturbates idly with sailor fuku*

Trinity: It’s so big.

Switch: And hard.

Trinity: Like hell I’m letting him waste that on a piece of fabric!

Narrator: So then Trinity rode Sesshoumaru hard, while Switch sucked them both at the point of coitus, and Kagome muttered something in Old English. They then proceeded to alternate various orifices, sometimes pulling Kagome in like a blow-up doll.

Trinity: HE IS THE ONE! HE IS THE ONE!

* * *

Kagome: Wherest could I be? Why hast fair Robin forsaken me, and what is this red cloak over me? Ah, gross, it’s stained.

Kouga: Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?

THE END